Stop Judging (almost) Everything

Stop Judging (almost) Everything

Our brains evolved over millions of years and our current understanding suggests there are three main parts, the reptilian brain, the limbic brain, and the neocortex. The reptilian brain is responsible for the basic functions necessary to survive, namely breathing, heart rate, and balance and it influences the fight-flight-freeze functions and tends to be rigid and drive compulsive behavior. The limbic brain can record memories of behaviors that produced agreeable and disagreeable experiences, so it is responsible for what are called emotions in human beings. The limbic brain is the seat of the value judgments that we make, often unconsciously, that exert such a strong influence on our behavior. The neocortex evolved more recently and is the seat of human “smarts” such as development of human language, abstract thought, imagination, and consciousness. This is the part of the brain that is responsible for learning.

There are some days while observing human behavior that I believe we have foregone the use of the neocortex and spend more time using the lizard and the limbic brains. It seems that the “collective we” may be losing our capacity to think and learn for ourselves because we readily allow people we don’t know (and without any credentials) to unduly shape and influence our beliefs.

What does this have to do with judging? We come by the behavior of judging naturally. Think about it. Millions of years ago, our ancestors needed to judge everything. Will it eat me? Can I eat it? Will my ancient ancestor Fred invite me into his cave or bonk me on the head? We needed to judge things in order to survive. Fast forward a few millennia and we are still judging things but on a much larger scale. We start judging at a very early age because we are taught to do so. When you were a wee child, you needed to be taught how to judge some things—is something too hot, cold, good, bad, stabby, soft… Unfortunately, that is not where it ended, and I will use my own experiences to illustrate. My parents would say things like “what will the neighbors think?” or “look how fat/skinny that person is” or “they don’t dress well” or “look at that house, it is awful” or “they are too loud” or “I don’t like what so and so said”. Judging has been implanted in our brains from early childhood, and we’ve gone from judging our environment in order to survive to judging everything all the time. It is not just our parents, it is also peers and with the advent of the Internet, we are bombarded with statements all the time with people trying to get you to alter your beliefs to think like they do.

Not all judging is bad. Judging is also a way for us to perceive the world and figure out where exactly we fit in. When we form opinions of others, we are able to recognize what we like and aspire to be, as well as what we don’t like and want to avoid. While many may see this as a positive thing, the problem lies in the comparison. Routinely comparing ourselves to others leads to a lack of self-confidence, self-worth and an inability to find enjoyment in most situations.

The harsh truth is that more often than not, we are bothered by the qualities of others that we choose not to see in ourselves. We ridicule, judge and shame another’s habits, appearance or lifestyle choices because they are the very ones we dislike in ourselves. For those lacking in self-awareness and insight, they don’t even realize this is the case. Judging can also create the facade of superiority-bringing someone down makes you feel superior in order to hide your own shortcomings.

Occasionally, judging can make us feel part of the club. We’ve all been there; it’s the first day of work or school and then someone complains about something, and then another person agrees, and then another and another. Before you know it, a group has formed around negativity. Sound familiar? Think about how this plays out on the Facebook site Oakbank Rant and Rave. We create an echo chamber where one person rants about something and 30 others jump on the bandwagon. The rants just get louder and more directed and more personal. Furthermore, this type of situation usually evolves into a regular pattern of behavior because there is usually a sense of connection developed among people. You tend to align yourself with people of the same values. People are so desperate to be connected with others that they will compromise their own beliefs just to belong. Judging is an enabler of this aberrant behavior.

Judging always evokes emotions and there is one positive emotion for every three to four negative emotions. Think about what happens when you read something someone writes, or you hear someone say something. If you don’t agree with what they say, you may feel, disgust, anger, outrage, threatened, hostile, infuriated, frustrated, panicked, jealous, or anxious. You may feel many of these emotions simply because you judged something someone had written or said—someone you never met has made you feel a negative emotion. Here is something to ponder: nobody can make you feel an emotion, you chose to feel a particular emotion because of how you react to a situation. It’s all about how you perceive the situation, and you can control that.

Why is all this important to me? Negative emotions, while unpleasant, aid survival, growth, and problem-solving, but can result in being close-minded and rigid—you stop learning. If you spend all your time judging and feeding the negative emotions, you end up rejecting everything else. On the other hand, positive emotions enhance wellbeing and broaden perspectives.

This is why I care: positive emotions can broaden my perspectives, and I love to learn.

Here is what I am doing to curtail my own (at times hyperactive) judging:

I know I will not agree with many (many many many many) things I read or hear. I will not allow myself to judge the information nor the author, and if I determine what I am seeing or hearing is not helpful, I will simply ignore it. Judging is not necessary beyond that simple decision of whether it is helpful or not. No emotion is needed for that. If I feel myself reaching for the judging gene, I will stop and assess my feelings and if it is simply a matter of disagreement, I will deescalate and move on. I don’t have to agree with everything, and I understand that people will not agree with everything I say or do and that is fine.

If I find myself judging a person, I will stop myself and ask if it is necessary to judge this person. Often, it is not. I will just choose to accept the person as they are, without judgement.

In the end, who am I to judge?